I read an article recently that discussed the incidence of brain damage in chemotherapy patients. Between 17 – 85% have some sort of permanent damage. The first years after, everyone jokes and calls it “chemo-brain”. I even asked my oncologist how long I could use that excuse. Five years was the answer. “Things should start to clear up after that,” she said. Well, it’s been over 10 years, and things haven’t.
I had been in my career over 20 years when I was diagnosed, so I’ve been able to operate on autopilot there, but I notice as new things come up, I just can’t understand or hold onto them. But generally, I can do OK.
So, MKMMA. I think I did fairly well with the mechanics to begin with – get the supplies, sign in here, listen to that, read this, do that. I had a terrible time reading out loud, and then putting enthusiasm in was tortuous. My enthusiasm sounded like I was scolding a bad puppy, and was sort of scary. Then came the poster – which I didn’t understand and with a little help in the alliance, I’m starting to understand, but is only about 1/4 done. Then twitter, the gal in the glass, the essay, the 7 laws, the mental diet, the recording. The cheese is sliding off the crackers. I didn’t feel like I could put more things on my cards this week, because last week’s things didn’t get done. I can’t find shapes other than stop lights, mostly because I can’t remember to do it, I can’t remember to say “ILY” silently to people, I can’t remember no opinions, I can’t remember no negativity; my DMP isn’t done and still doesn’t sound right, and when I sit at night, I fall asleep. I haven’t met my friend or future self yet, I’m still getting to the place and sitting down, and visualize my surroundings, then I’m asleep.
I feel like all of this is swirling around my feet, and I’m getting more and more confused. I understand the metaphors when Mark explains them, but then they seem to vaporize. And I cry a lot. Like now. And I catch myself and realize I’m not supposed to be negative. How do you put a positive spin on being lost in the dark in the woods? 
I used to be smart. I used to juggle kids, career, volunteer work, home, family, church, sports, etc. like a boss. The processes and homework and demands of MKMMA is showing me that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, I am one of those who has permanent damage. Is it time to quit? I don’t want to.
Don’t quit. Please. I’m just looking at the image of the Hero’s Journey right now, which I’ve posted on the wall also. All the way down, it says, Abyss (Death & Rebirth – REVELATION)… When the woods are the darkest, you know light is coming… We all just have to find our own way of doing things… take your time. Just keep going at your pace, and reach out. We’re all in this together… I remember when I was in high school, we used to write things on our hands, to be able to remember them, for tests etc…Give it a try 🙂 Hugs.
Thank you for your kind comments.
Thank you for sharing!
I work with people and different kind of treatments, so I hope it’s OK with you if I share some thoughts I got while I was reading this blog post?!
First of all- Crying causes the SAME chemical process in the body as Laughing:-) So, you don’t need to stop crying, or laughing, it is ALL OK!:-) Your body is getting read of something when you cry or laugh. It has to come out in some way;-)
Just please observe when you cry, WHAT is that you are FEELING at that moment, not what you think, but just feel it. Try not to think too much of it, just accept it, let it connect with you, understand this feeling and then you can choose to let go of it:-) Don’t resist.
The other thing I catched in your blog is that you kind of “like” to hit your Self with what you say and you almost doing “Harakiri” here in that blog…I can’t even imagine what you are doing that you don’t put on paper here…Look at it: (from your text)
” I didn’t feel like I could put more things on my cards this week, because last week’s things didn’t get done. I can’t find shapes other than stop lights, mostly because I can’t remember to do it, I can’t remember to say “ILY” silently to people, I can’t remember no opinions, I can’t remember no negativitymy DMP isn’t done and still doesn’t sound right, and when I sit at night, I fall asleep”
…..
Okej, see how you are hitting yourself….in every sentence…Please, give you some love and some rest. If you continue to think/tell yourself you “Can’t”- well it will continue to be this way….Start telling yourself what you CAN, you are perfectly enough, you are capable of more than you can imagine right now.
Do your best, without judgment! Without saying you could do better, but do your best every day and you will develop so quick and see back at this post and laugh- or cry of happiness;-)
Trust your Self, love your Self, don’t think of anything, feel it!
All the love to you sweetheart!
Thank you. That is a lot to think about.
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I find that when all of my world seems to be spinning, a few moments sitting in silence (usually in a bathroom!) does wonders. All of the pieces to this puzzles are there and will come together to form the beautiful picture that is you. Keep smiling, Nancy
THANK YOU NANCY for your candor and your courage. I’m touched and moved by your post. The cheese is sliding off the crackers. I didn’t feel like I could put more things on my cards this week, because last week’s things didn’t get done. I can’t find shapes other than stop lights, mostly because I can’t remember to do it, I can’t remember to say “ILY” silently to people, I can’t remember no opinions, I can’t remember no negativitymy DMP isn’t done and still doesn’t sound right, and when I sit at night, I fall asleep. I haven’t met my friend or future self yet, I’m still getting to the place and sitting down, and visualize my surroundings, then I’m asleep.
Nancy, it took a ton of courage for you to put yourself out there like this! That in itself is an amazing step in a positive direction. I agree with Maria’s comments about what you are saying to yourself. I struggle with the same self-talk issues. Then I remember what one of my dear friends told me one day when she heard the things I was saying to myself. She asked if I would say those things to my 4 year old son. I was stunned!! Of course, I would NEVER say those things to him. She gently reminded me that if I wouldn’t say them to him, why do I say them to myself. Now whenever I feel those thoughts coming, I always look at my son or a picture of my him if he’s not around. I guess that’s the Law of Substitution working for me (I didn’t know it at the time I started the practice). That is my reminder that I am worth more than the negative words I say to myself.
All of that to say, please don’t give up! Just keep doing what you can and really practice the Gal in the Glass (some days I have to read it every time I’m in the bathroom!). Every little bit makes a difference.
Thank you. Your comments help a lot. I didn’t see it as negative talk toward myself, just as stating facts. I understand what you and Maria are saying.