I’ve been off work this week, and even though I’ve written down everything I need to do every day, not being on the work grind has really thrown me off. I have marked off most tasks on my list every day, and I have had some really cool realizations this week.
While revising my DMP, I became more honest with myself and changed one of my PPN’s. I had a great paragraph in my DMP that would have probably elevated me to sainthood, but after reading it over and over, I realized it wasn’t me. I’m just going to be honest and not sugarcoat it – it was a lie. It sounded great, but, hell no. I do know myself well enough to know that if I incorporate that paragraph into my life, it will cause me great anxiety, and I don’t want that in my life anymore!
I was driving with my husband after lunch, and read Scroll #1 out loud. I wanted him to hear it, and I needed to read it, so it seemed like a good idea. I was doing great – eliminating the “wills” and changing the tenses, etc., and then I got to: “Failure no longer is my payment for struggle,” and I choked up and my eyes welled up with tears. (hello, subby!) I sniffed and suffed and continued with more determination to finish the paragraph: “Failure no longer is my payment for struggle. Just as nature made no provision for my body to tolerate pain, neither has it made any provision for my life to suffer failure. Failure, like pain, is alien to my life. In the past I accepted it as I accepted pain. Now I reject it and I am prepared for wisdom and principles which guide me out of the shadows into the sunlight of wealth, position, and happiness far beyond my most extravagant dreams.”
I sat with that for awhile. Until the last few years, I have always tolerated pain. (I guess I sort of had a martyr complex, which looks exceeding stupid now that I’ve written it out.) Now reading the Scroll, I see that I’ve tolerated failure in the same way – “Oh, I guess it’s just not supposed to happen for people like us.”
I am grateful for what we have, but I was slapped in the face with MK 17 – “if we expect nothing, we shall have nothing”. I realized that expecting nothing has become a “defense mechanism” for me – thinking that if I expect nothing, I can’t be disappointed! And again, Hell no!
And on a happier note – it’s great to live in Kansas City – Go Royals!